Family and Friends

Family Members and Eating Disorders

What is an eating disorder?

An eating disorder is a reaction to our environment. An eating disorder is a means of communicating with the outside world-it is the only way a person feels they can express their inner unhappiness. Eating disorders occupy the mind and exclude the person from life.

Family and friends can help someone suffering from an eating disorder by:

 

·         Creating a healthier environment for healing

·         Family Values

·         Listening and verbal motivation

·         Empathy

·         Example-role model

·         Hope

·         Healthy Communication

• Relating to the person, NOT the eating disorder.
• Disengaging yourself from issues around behaviours as only then is it possible to work on communication, responsibilities, rights and enjoying each other.

·         Not inducing guilt

·         Not blaming or attacking the person

·         Not assuming someone else’s intentions, thoughts or feelings

·         Speaking with ‘I’ statements

·         Praising, but only if it is sincere

·         Establishing ground rules that allow people to speak freely without fear of an angry response

·         Not working around the eating disorder as if it is a handicap. This only discourages your partner/child/friend from feeling competent about their own life

·         Laughing and having fun

·         Seeking and evaluating clinical treatment options

·         Insisting on effective treatment whether the person is living at home, in hospital, or in long term residential care

·         Cutting back on other obligations to concentrate on supporting a loved one.

·         Mothers and fathers can support each other emotionally and practically

·         Putting boundaries on eating distress and activity behaviours in their homes

·         Offering financial assistance to a loved while he/she is out of work

·         Refusing to financially support a loved one who is not in effective treatment

·         Refusing to support ineffective treatment

·         Becoming educated in eating disorders by consulting experts and reading professional and lay literature

·         Being part of the treatment team

·         Educating extended relatives and the wider community about the current science in eating disorders

·         Taking care of siblings and extended family  affected by the illness

·         Offering emotional support

·         Speaking out in the media about how eating disorders affect the whole family

·         Making personal changes based on what they have learnt about eating disorders

·         Seeking treatment for themselves if they have illnesses or eating disordered behaviours

·         Refusing to give up

 

Developing healthier relationships:

 

Communication plays a key role in developing a healthier relationship with a person suffering from an eating disorder. Language is the method used for understanding and communication between humans. Learning to communicate involves both learning to express yourself and learning to listen effectively. Focusing on the eating disorder interferes with both listening and communication. It is often easier in today’s society to say ‘I’m fat...’ ‘I will not eat...’ rather than ‘I’m hurt’ ‘I’m upset’ ‘I need’. This must be challenged.

Laughing and having fun: The most effective way of strengthening a relationship with someone is by having fun. It is important when there is an eating disorder in the family to not forget about life. It is critical that the person suffering from the eating disorder sees people in the home sharing feelings, thoughts, pleasures and interests and allows other members of the family to continue on with life  as ‘normally’ as possible. By discovering ways, i.e. going to the cinema, going for coffee, starting a project, in which you and your loved one can enjoy one another you create an environment that allows for richer ways of relating and as a result help minimise the need for the person’s maintenance of their symptoms.

Tips for taking care of yourself while also helping your child/friend/partner:

• Carry on with your own life-a person suffering from an eating disorder sleeps, lives, breaths self-berating and their eating disorder. The best way for family members and friends to help is to show them the opposite. The alternative. You can show them how to live by carrying on with your own life. Often your child/partner/friend feels like their only identity is their eating disorder. Often it becomes the identity of their family too. People suffering from an eating disorder are highly sensitive and pick up on this negative emotion in the house.
• Although the eating disorder sufferer is going through pain so too are the family members. It is important that you find someone to vent to, talk to about your emotions
• Never blame yourself for their condition. Similarly never blame them!
• None of us are saints. Forgive yourself for frustrated outbursts and look for ways to avoid them in the future.
• Remember although the eating disorder is sly, dishonest and selfish this is not your child/friend/partner
• Appreciate your child/partner/friend as they are whatever stage they are at. This will help them discover who they are without the eating disorder and realise they no longer need it as part of their identity.
• The eating disorder is only a temporary TEMPORARY lodger in your home
• Remember I’m me. I’m not my behaviour.

The question ‘What is recovery?’ is commonly asked by family members and friends. Recovery is:

·         Gaining freedom from food obsession

·         Gaining freedom from body obsession

·         Learning to be aware of yourself

·         Learning to know yourself

·         Learning to believe in yourself

·         Learning to accept yourself

·         Living in the present

·         Emphasising honesty

·         Changing and being open to forming new relationships

·         Taking care of your physical health

·         Giving to others and learning to receive

·         Having clarity of thought

·         Being able to talk about your real feelings

·         Gaining ability to have real fun in life

·         Increasing spirituality

·         Loving yourself the way you are!

Have faith, hope and an undoubted belief that recovery will happen. It is 100% possible.

M x